She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
