I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
