I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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