Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
