I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
