between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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