My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
