Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
