Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
