i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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