Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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