Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize