while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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