If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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