o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you will always have a special place in my vag
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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