wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
