I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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