Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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