Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
