Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
