well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
