who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
