anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
