Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
