she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
