if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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