The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My ATM looks so different sober.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
