we have officially lost it.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
