even my farts smell like vagina
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
