omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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