You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I party with great urgency now.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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