as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
