I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
