life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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