I threw up into my coffee this morning.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize