I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
