I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i drank out of a bidet.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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