After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
