Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
