Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
