Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
