dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
