It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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