So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
