yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
