I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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