this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize