I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize