Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i think my cat just said my name.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
