You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
