It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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