between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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