We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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