My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
