Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
