i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
