Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
