Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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