I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
