I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
either way he was missing a nipple.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My vagina is officially offended.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
