Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
