Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
