i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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