After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
