My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
