While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
