ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
