I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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