I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
